just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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