Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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