The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
