By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
