You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
