I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
