He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize