my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
