Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
foreskin is a definite game changer
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
