for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
