I just made out with a guy for $7.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
