Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
