I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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