How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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