Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize