I hate your face
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
