My friends, they love my intelligence
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
