I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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