I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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