I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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