Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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