I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
