just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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