Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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