i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
