I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
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