Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
