i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
