i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
