well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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