Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
