i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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