then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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