During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
