how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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