I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
