Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
