Buhtt sex?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
