I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
