i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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