we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
