she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
