cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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