I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
