dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize