all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
