Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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