genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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