9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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