Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
