OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
