I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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