There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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