Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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