and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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