when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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