How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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